Drama Rama

When I can focus and be calm, I will go into greater detail. A lot has happened from when I last wrote. But lets just say, no longer on speaking terms w/an in-law. Sad but she did it to herself! So I will be adding stuff stuff from when they happened. I will write a blog when I'm done w/the dates of the posts that I added.

I'm lost

I am so lost right now. What is my purpose? Do I even matter? I seem to fail at everything. I stress my family out, I'm not working, I don't clean. All I seem to do is yell, scream, crochet and cry. I hate me so much right now. I hate what I am and what I've become. I use to be happy. I use to smile and mean it. I've been lying for so long that I don't even know how to be happy any more. I need to be on my meds, I need to eat better, I need to exercise, I need to loose like 150lbs. (no joke) but will all that make me happy? Or will I still be broken? Why do people put up w/me? I just seem to make everyone upset or disappointed.

why bother

Ever have one of those......

Days?

Weeks?!

It seems like I'm having that kind of week(s). I've been so sad and, well depressed lately. I just feel like a failure in my life. Did I think just before my 27th birthday I would be an unemployed mother/wife? Hell to the No. I thought I would have a great job, more than 1 kid and live in a great house. I feel like a failure. I can't find shit in the job department. I have only had 1 interview and that was at Denny's and I didnt get it. HOW FUCKING LAME IS THAT. (Only reason I didn't was b/c of my vacation) But still. LAME! My bow business isn't doing shit, I have all these people tell me they would love to order and then never do. I had a CHEER couch in Cali tell me she would really like me to make her stuff for her girls. Gave her my card. Stupid ass me didn't get hers. I just feel lost. I feel like I've failed my husband and my kid. I don't clean. I barely cook. What purpose do I really serve? No one talks to me anymore. All my friends work or have busy lives and I just feel left in the dust. Why should they care? They have their lives and are doing great.

Why am I such a loser?

21 days to get organized

I saw this on a blog I follow, and I want to do it. Its all about get organized in January! I sooo need this! My house is a wreck! People I worked with would say I was anally organized. My office was so organized... everything had a place. Home?! Totally opposite! I just can't help it! Doesn't help I hav 2 other people in this house either! So I'm going to do this! Here is a link so you can see whats going on too! COME ON AND JOIN!

Kidney Beans and Kidney Stones

So one of my most FAVORITE things to eat is Taco Salad. My mom makes it a lot and teases me with it. The way we make it, it only lasts that day. It doesn't save well. So mom gave me kidney beans a couple days ago so I could eventually make mine! So I made it last night! I almost ate it all.... it was soooo good! So with a full belly.... we go to bed so we can be happy and rested when Mike and Kristen come over.

(Today) So we were doing some last minute cleaning before Mike and Kristen came over to watch Empire Strikes Back, and I started to have some cramps. I'm thinking I must be starting my period soon and don't think anything of it. Well they start to get more and more intense. So maybe its my intestines... so I go sit on the toliet.... not much going on there. But my back and whole left side are KILLING me. So Adam puts some icy hot on it. So not working. So I decide to take a quick hot shower before they come over. I stayed in there till the water was cold. I'm dying. Adam thinks maybe Kidney Stones since its my back that was hurting. So I go to WebMD and sure enough... I have most of the symptoms. Thats when I start yaking. UGH! I yell for Adam and tell him to call Kristen to cancel. (Like 30 mins before they come over) I feel awful. The last time we were hanging out as couples we had to cancel. MIKE ITS NOT YOU! WE DO WANNA HANG! (Hope this doesn't give you a complex that we don't like you! We totally do!) Then I tell Adam to call Mom and see if she can take Hannah. She agrees and I get dressed to go to the ER. I can't even sit in the car w/o crying. Its horrible. Poor Adam can't do anything but see me cry in agony! We get to the ER and I'm shocked there isn't anyone in the waiting room. So we get right in. While we are waiting for them to do paper work, I tell the check in guy I'm gonna yak. He doesn't get me a barf bag in time and I just hurl in the sink like 3 times. (Taco Salad looks nasty when you yak it) I tell him I'm so sorry and he give me a bag. I'm pacing b/c I can't stand to sit in a chair. They're cleaning a room for me and the janitor lady comes to clean up the sink. I'm almost in tears and tell her I'm sooo sorry. She just laughs and says, "It happens! No worries!" Finally I get a room. I'm pacing b/c I cant lay down. The Dr comes in and tells me a nurse will be here soon and just checks me out (he makes me lay down and presses on my belly... I thought I was GOING TO DIE! HOT DAMN DID THAT HURT!)and tells me the pain will be gone in a sec. A guy comes to do my labs and he's freaking out b/c I don't want to sit. I tell him it hurts and he has to do it. He was worried I'd pass out. Told him to just do it. He gets it done and a nurse comes in to start my IV. She tells me to sit. Do she stabs me up and tells me my real nurse will be here in a sec. She tells me she had kidney stones and totally gets my pain. She comes back in like 3 minutes w/my real nurse and is ordering her around! "Hurry up and hook her IV. This girl is in pain! Look at her! (I have the cold sweats, I'm clammy, I'm moaning in pain and just look miserable)" Other nurse," What's your pain level?" Me and the 1st nurse, "10!!!" ( I liked how she was looking out for me) She then tells my real nurse how to put my drugs in and they both tell me that it will feel like labor. I laugh and tell them I wouldn't know since I had a C-Section! They laugh and leave the room. 10 minutes later I'm feeling good. Adam is by my side the whole time. I fall in and out of sleep and he sat there and watched tv and stroked my hair. I get taken for a CT scan and then just wait for the results. Finally we find out I have 2 stones on each side of my left kidney. They're about 3mm and are just staying in my kidney. Nothings blocking them and I should pass them just fine. He tells me he will get my perscriptions and I will be out in a minute. (2 hrs later) My IV drip is out and my machine is beeping like crazy. My nurse comes in and thought I would have been discharged already. Right after that, they bring me my scripts and I'm good to go. As we were walking out, I say to Adam,"I think its funny. When I threw up it was Taco Salad and the first thing I saw was the kidney beans. Weird, the day after I have kidney beans I find out I have kidney stones. Huh..."

Grandma Audrey

When I was a little girl, when I spent the night at my Great Grandma Audrey's house, in the morning she would always ask me what I wanted for breakfast. I'd ALWAYS tell her pancakes. She would make them into shapes for me. Kitties, mice, Mickey Mouse face, faces... just about anything. (I asked her to make a dolphin once... didn't come out so hot)

I hadn't tried to make pancakes like that in a long time. Hannah's at that age where that would be fun. So when we did breakfast food tonight, I decided thats what I was gonna do. I'm really rusty at making pancakes, let a lone cool ones. But Hannah thought they were great!

I love my husband!

So I'm just sitting in my pj's yesterday, and I txt Adam to bring home a loaf of bread. He txts me back and says why don't you and Hannah get ready and when I get my lunch at 230, you can just take the car. I said thats fine. So Hannah and I get dressed and just wait for Adam. He comes home and no loaf of bread. I'm just a little upset b/c Hannah wants a PB&J.
 He then asks me, "What there is to eat in the house?

I tell him."Nothing really esp since you didn't bring home bread."

Then he tells me, "Well I guess I will just have to take you guys to McDonald's and take the rest of the day off." At this point I just look at him in awe. "Today is my early day so I'm done for the day. Lets go eat and then go shopping. Just for you." I pretty much have tears building up b/c its such an awesome surprise. I forgot he had a short day since he didn't work Sunday! So we go eat then head to PHX. We go to Fiesta Mall b/c they have a Torrid. I LOVE this store so much. But nothing was catching my eye. I found stuff I liked, but it was too expensive. So we walk aroud the mall and we had to stop in the Disney Store. Hannah got a Sally doll. I'm actually kinda jealous. I have a Jack, but no Sally. Well if Hannah gets bad enough, guess what I'm taking first!! lol Then we went to Bookmans!! OMG! I just love this freaking store. I got 5 books and Adam got a music DVD. I could have bought more, but I have to be good!! So we go to pay and the guy thinks Hannah's cute and gave us a "kids" discount. Took 10% off of every item. Purdy sweet! Then we were driving home and Adam asked if I was hungry. I told him I could prolly eat. So we start driving and he wanted to take me to Fizoli's (or how ever you spell it) its closed. (as in its no longer even there). Then he wants to take me to this italian place, again closed for good. Then to Godfather's Pizza. Its no longer there. Its been replaced w/Indian food. So we check GPS... can't really find anything so we just drive on Chandler Blvd to find something. We decide Hooters so Adam can see some game highlights. (He missed the Cards playing to take me shopping. What a sweet man). Its closed for good. So 0 for 4 on places to eat. There is a Waffle House in the same parking lot. Its dead. So we just were tired of driving so we stopped there. They have a deal thats from 2-9pm thats all you can eat for 6 bucks! So thats what we do! We had a waffle, grilled cheese, 3 servings of bacon, 2 servings of sausage, 2 servings of eggs and toast and some hashbrowns 3 drinks and it was 17 bucks! What an AWESOME DEAL! The cook made the most amazing eggs I have had in fast food! He was awesome. Our waitress was so friendly and talked to Hannah and was so good on refills and everything. She even gave us to go cups even though she wasn't suppose to. We will definatley eat there again!!! It was just an awesome day. Full of surprises!

Books I bought:

Aquarium

Yesterday we went to the aquarium in AZ Mills. I was excited b/c I remember going to one in Chicago and thinking it was amazing. We got Hannah in for free so we thought what the heck! We thought it wouldn't be busy since all the kids should be in school. We didn't think of the old people. OMG.... they were horrible. Walking all slow and blocking the views for the few kids that were there. They almost ruined it for me. Hannah was so excited to go! She wanted to see a Dory and Nemo fish and an octopus. We didn't see a Nemo fish, but saw everything else! She thought it was awesome. She even got to pet a starfish and a hermit crab. She had a lot of fun.

We ate at the mall and walked around. Adam surprised Hannah w/a ride on the carousel. She thought that was awesome. Then a bigger surprise was Baskin Robbins! She got to have her OWN ice cream! She was in heaven. Then on to Bookman's. My friend Suzie gave us a DreamCast so Adam wanted to get an old school game for it. He got it... he's been playing it a lot. (Which is fine by me... I can read!) He was also very nice and let me get some books. I was good and only got 2. I wanted like 10 more, but I had to be good. It was just a nice day.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

Today is my 5 yr anniversary! I can't believe it's already been 5 years. It just blows my mind. Well Adam had to work today, but he had Tues and Wed off. So mom took Hannah and we went to Scottsdale. We rented a room and had some alone time. The resort we went to was great except parking. We actually had to walk almost 2 city blocks to get to our room. It was insane! (Now Adam's back is killing him from carring our bag) but what make it awesome was: 1. KING SIZE BED! It was a temperpedic! We even did the jumping thing!  2. Tub big enough for 2 and it had jets! Woo-hoo!!!!

After we took a bath we went to dinner. We decided to go where it all started. Buca de Bippo. We had our first date there. Its so crazy! After dinner we went to this ice cream shop called Sugar Bowls! OMG! SOOO good! All their ice cream in house made! My chocolate ice cream was to die for. On to Heather's show! We didn't plan on staying there as long as we did. But it was fun. This was something we use to do every weekend since we were married. It was nice to just hang out and have a few drinks!

Life is good!

Mommy/Daughter Time

I am determined to have a good day w/Hannah today. So I thought maybe making food together would be fun! She loves to help! So far so good! Here is Hannah making lunch, taking pix of me and making brownies!!

UPDATE!

Adam: He no longer works at Radio Shack! (and we couldn't be HAPPIER) He found out early in April that his old boss Dan got hired at US Bank and wanted Adam as his assistant mgr. So after so talking, he got an interview and got hired! We were still ify, because he has gotten screwed in the past. He had some left over vacation time so he wanted to take it so he wouldn't loose it. So he took the last couple days of April and the beginning of May off. In the middle of April he gets the word that he will start his training on May 10th. So Adam puts his two weeks in. When he gets back from his "vacation" he only has to work 2 days at Radio Shack then he's done. All during this, they finally get a new mgr to take over the store. The GM isn't too happy w/Adam b/c they expected Adam to train the new guy. Adam said he wasn't going to. He was sick and tired of training people for a job that should be his. They're also mad b/c of his vacation and his notice are at the same time. They started threathening him they wouldn't pay him and he wasn't allowed to do that. Adam honestly didn't know he would start training then so its not his fault. Well they didn't do anything to him and as of right now he's training in Scottsdale. He will have to train for about a month or so then his branch will be open around June. (its going into the new Fry's Market Place on Pinal) so we couldn't be happier!

Ashlee: Nothing much w/me. I'm still looking for work and can't find anything. I'm still making bow and headbands even though they are mostly for me and Hannah. I have been reading a lot and I LOVE IT! Adam got me 2 books for Mother's Day. I have already read one! You could say I'm reading like 5 different series right now! lol I'm a nut! Lindsay and I have been referring each other to different series. Its nice having a friend that likes the same stuff as you.

Hannah: I think she's going through her terrible 2's now! She's a pistol! She has this major attitude that I sooo do not like. She is also majorly saracastic for a 3 yr old. (I have NO clue where she gets it) She pushes my buttons everyday but there are some sweet moments where she runs up to me and tell me I'm the best mommy ever. Can't stay mad at that! She doesn't really care that I took all her toys away. But I have given some back since she has been doing good. Stuff that is really easy for her to clean up. She has started liking the idea of going potty in the big potty. So I told her if she does it for a whole week w/no accidents I'll give her tv back. She goes in the potty abou once a day. Hell, its a start. So hopefully we can get her out of those damn diapers and into some panties!!

They grow up so fast

Hannah had now learned how to turn on her DVD player and the right button to get it to play. Tonight, she played in her room while Adam and I watched a movie. I went to check on her and she was playing no problem. An hour later after our movie was over, I checked on her again.  She had restarted her movie, turned off her light, tucked herself in and was sleeping. I thought it was the cutest thing ever. I wish every night could be like that!

Stuff

As some of you know, my biological dad came to town last week. We were talking in October and he told us he wanted to come out in March. Thats fine, that would give me time to build more of a relationship and stuff. Well I sent him some pix of Hannah from my phone, and he was like the more and more I see pix, the more I want to come out! I think I'll come out in December!! I was like.... OMG. I couldn't believe he wanted to come out sooner. I was freaking out, but thought maybe he would back out. Nope! He finally pinned down the days he was coming and asked about hotels and such. Thats when I started getting really nervous. I had to totally scrub the apt, get organized and figure out what the heck we were gonna do the whole time he was here!  It was only going to be 3 days, (2 half days and 2 full days) but still! Its CG. I asked him what he had in mind, and he said just talk and hang out. UGH.. I know I can talk for days, but I've also have known you guys for like YEARS!!!!!!!! Months..... plus lots of touchy subjects .... it was gonna be akward.

So its Saturday. Day before he comes. I'm literally sick to my stomach. I can't eat, I just hurt and want to throw up. I text Sergio to ask when his flight was coming in so we could plan on meeting up for dinner. He tells me he's landing @4:30pm. So can meet around 6 for dinner. I then confess to him I had been so nervous that I couldn't eat. He was going through the same thing! That made me feel a little better. I wasn't over-reacting. I'm glad I had Adam. He was trying his hardest to keep me calm.

So Sunday rolls around. I'm really anxious. What if we don't get along and its a complete waste of time? Or that he likes Adam and Hannah and hates me?! All things thoughts are going through my head. I'm pretty much freaking out. Well at 4:30pm, Sergio txts me and tells me he landed and that he's getting his rental and he will be on his way. EEEK! 5:30, he calls Adam and asks for directions. He got off on the wrong exit. lol So Adam tells him where to go and tells him we will meet him @ 6pm. I tell Adam I want to get there a little early so I can try to calm down. I keep staring at the door to see if he's coming. Adam tells me to calm down. I actually missed him when he came in. He was actually by our table and we missed each other. Finally he goes back up front and I see him. He didn't look like how I planned. I have pictures of him, but he didn't have facial hair and it threw me off. He comes over and he shakes Adam's hand, we give each other an akward hug and Hannah completely shuns him. She wanted nothing to do with him. If he looked at her, she would bury her face into my arm. (That worried me) We start talking and I told him I didn't reconize him b/c he didn't have facial hair. He said he shaved it b/c he didn't want to scare Hannah. (Adam has a full beard) we laughed. The convo was good. Nice and smooth. He came back to the apt w/us and watched some football stuff. (By this time, Hannah had completely warmed up to him and was laughing and playing).

Monday.... we go to the "mall". Adam has to work a 3hr shift so we planned on eating breakfast and walking the mall. And we literally did. Walked that WHOLE OUTLET MALL!!!!!!! UGH! Never again. But he wanted to see what was out there and I think spy on what I might want for Christmas. He says he wants to go to the bank and get some cash. Then we go to Wal-Mart. He comes back and gives me a bag. It has gift cards in it...... Lets just say it was WAY TOO MUCH. But I'm very thankful! He told me I had to spend it on us. Not bills. To spoil ourselves. And we did. He was very generous. Adam gets off work and we hang out. (I actually can't remember) but when we went to dinner we decided we wanted to go to the casino. Mom took Hannah for the night and we went to Wild Horse Pass. They totally redid it and its AMAZING!!!!!!  Here is a pic of Adam and I there.

It was nice to get away from CG and not have to worry about Hannah. Don't get me wrong, I love that kid, but Mommy needs a break sometime! We ate dessert and talked some more. Adam and him have lots in common. They both love sports! But funny thing is, If Adam loves a team, Sergio loves the rival. So it was kinda funny to hear them talk about sports! Sergio even bought Hannah a jersey... for the 49ners. Hannah screamed and demanded it off (I kid you not!) so we will be taking it back and getting the PROPER jersey! (GO CARDS!)

Tuesday was just us. We did a little more shopping and then hung out at the apartment. He left around 5 and never came back. He wanted to watch football. I had a little freak-out moment thinking he hated me and didn't want to hang w/me unless Adam was there..... I was crying and being a baby. (Come to find out I was starting my period after not having it for like 4 months.) So when Adam came home I was a wreck. I really didn't know what was instore for the next day.

Wednesday went better. He came over and we actually talked about lots of stuff. Had a total break through. I got some questions answered and so did he. He left on a good note. The whole experience was to see if this was really something we both wanted. The last day really confirmed that we both wanted each other in our lives and we were both ready to make it work. I'm glad he came down.  Like 5 mins after he left LINDSAY CAME OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so glad to see her! I miss her tons! Sometimes she is the missing piece I need to make me feel better. We've been through so much together that I just can't imagine not having her in my life. She is truely my best friend and my sister from another mister! Not too long after Linds comes over.... KRISTEN CAME OVER!!!!!!!!! My other best friend. Kristen and I didn't become close friends till after High School. But over the years we have become really close. She was even my "maid of honor" at my wedding. I'm finally at the poing where I feel comfortable to talk to Kristen about anything. Which I can only do w/a handful of people. Its nice to have someone I can talk to who knows when to listen and let me vent and knows when to say (and when not to say) stuff. May not make sense to you, but it makes sense to me! Linds couldn't stay long, but that was ok, Kristen ended up staying for a couple hours and we just talked away. It was just what I needed.

Catch Up

Wow I haven't posted in awhile! Shame on me! Well things have been ok. My friend Becca got married on the 21st and I was a bridesmaid. This was the first wedding that I actually did bridesmaid stuff in. (Bridal shower, bacholorette party, wedding rehearsal) and it was an interesting experience. Some was not fun b/c I had to bring Hannah w/me, but overall went well. The day of the wedding I get woken up at like 4am w/Hannah screaming. I think she was having a nightmare so I just go in there to calm her down when I realize she has thrown up EVERYWHERE! Poor thing. Adam wakes up and I tell him to take a shower w/her and clean her up while I change her sheets. She calms down and goes back to sleep. I think maybe dinner just didn't agree w/her. Well 6am rolls around. (mind you I finally fall asleep around 5am) and she's screaming again. More throw up. Mostly of none food assortment. So I do ANOTHER load of laundry and take her into the living room where she pukes again. I feel awful. She was suppose to go to my mom's house so Adam and I could go to the wedding. So Adam gets up and I tell him he can't go to the wedding since Hannah is sick. He's pissed b/c he was looking forward to it and we start fighting and I cry and pretty much leave. I get to the wedding and I go upstairs to get ready and I just start crying b/c I'm stressed and have had no sleep. I get it together, the wedding goes fine, I come home and Hannah is running around. Well she eats some rice and stuff and when I'm about to get her down, she pukes it up. So glad she waited for me to come home to do that. I clean her up and let her cuddle w/me. The next day she was fine. Monday... Adam has the day off... and is sick! Even though he was sick, he took me to see New Moon! What a sweetie! Wed.... I"m sick. Was a horrible week. Thanksgiving we went to Adam's grandma's like we always do. It was nice. Plently of food and pie. Went home and all of us took a 3 hr nap! :) BLACK FRIDAY!!!!! Adam had to literally work ALL DAY! But he did get to come home and sleep for like 3 hrs. I was able to drop Hannah off at mom's and see New Moon w/Linds. She stayed pretty much all day at the house which was nice. I'm glad I had a distraction of not seeing Adam all day. And that brings us up to today. I've been cleaning and trying to get stuff done so I can have Christmas stuff up for Adam. I only saw him for 10 mins this morning and when he gets home I"ll be too tired to do anything. Holiday hours suck!