I'm lost

I am so lost right now. What is my purpose? Do I even matter? I seem to fail at everything. I stress my family out, I'm not working, I don't clean. All I seem to do is yell, scream, crochet and cry. I hate me so much right now. I hate what I am and what I've become. I use to be happy. I use to smile and mean it. I've been lying for so long that I don't even know how to be happy any more. I need to be on my meds, I need to eat better, I need to exercise, I need to loose like 150lbs. (no joke) but will all that make me happy? Or will I still be broken? Why do people put up w/me? I just seem to make everyone upset or disappointed.

why bother

Bummed

Ever have one of those days, (or weeks) were you just don't feel .... well right? I just feel like I'm not a good mom, a good wife or a good friend. That all around I just suck. I have lots of friends who do amazing things and have lives way more demanding than mine and what have I done? Get fired from my job and sit on my ass all day. On a good day I'll do dishes and laundry. I just feel worthless. I'm not motivated to do anything. Adam has been so stressed at work and his boss is being a real #$^& and making his life even worse which means Adam comes home in a bad mood. I can't blame him, I did the same thing. But I guess being on the receiving end, it really sux. I get how he felt when I did it to him. Plus I feel guitly telling him my feeling b/c it just usually ends up in a "my life sux more than yours does" fight. Its just not worth it. I'm trying to be strong and just deal with it, but its eating away at me.

I felt good when I was losing weight and getting out of the house.... I've gained all my weight that I lost and then some. Most of my pants don't even fit me anymore and what do I do? Comfort eat. Which just makes me feel worse. I don't feel pretty, I don't feel happy. I just feel sad ALL THE TIME. I'm trying to put a happy face on for Hannah since she sees me the most. I don't need her being sad too. She doesn't understand why I'm sad and I don't want her to think I am. But its starting to get harder and harder for me to fake it. I use to be a pro at it. But I've just lost the will to lie about it I guess.  I just want to feel better and be like how I use to be. But I think its too late for that now. I just hope one day I can be like how I use to be. Happy, carefree, funny, goofy, hell I'd be happy with dorky too!